For You. (To My Peter Pan, 2019)

I'll keep it to myself. Maybe you'll see it someday since it was all for you anyway. It always was, but you knew that.

Six years later. I'll give you this for now. 

To My Peter Pan (2019)

Thinking about how your eyes drip kerosene. Caramel. Dark and light, hard and melty. All at once. 

I love the person I think you are. Sometimes I don't know whether to romanticize you or humanize you. I guess a little of both. It's been so long now, so much has changed. I bet you can still write me better than I can write myself. And we have that unspoken bond, forever shared. 

I still think about what you'd be like. Late at night, sitting across the room from me in some dimly lit hotel with a mug of coffee clutched in your hands. Chipped china mugs. I can only imagine the conversations we would have. I have a mini-lifetime's worth to catch you up on. Still, I'd give anything to have that moment with you. Vulnerable, broken, beautiful, exposed. A lifetime's worth. 

Oh, I'm not in love with you. But I can't fucking forget you, and I hope you remember me. Remember me fondly. I'm not the girl I once was. I've become hardened by the world and the passage of time. But I know you would still get it. You'll still get me. Rip my heart out. 

I am not in love with you, Peter Pan, but my love for you is exponential, reaching some deep part of my heart that I can't define. But when I reminisce about the intensity of moments and thoughts shared, that part of me swells up so big, so pervading that it's impossible to ignore. I know they think they get it --get you-- but I'm a step ahead. It's a special understanding, more tangible in a strange way. It reaches a place so deep in me that I'm not sure I can even get to it, but I know you're always with me. More meaningful than a couple sweaty hugs and pictures in crowded rooms (although those are good too). 

You know what this is. It's never-ending, eternal. It's Neverland. Still my peter Pan, forever your wendy. 

resolutions

gonna spend 2019 admiring all the beauty the world has to offer

wrigley

i don't have any words to describe it. there's something magical about seeing your favorite people in their hometown after dreaming about it for ten years. i was in a dream that night and never wanted to wake up.

thank you

sometimes I think it'd be better to feel numb.

0423

it feels like I got my heart broken, but we weren't even in love. I guess you don't have to be to feel like there's a gaping hole in your chest.

I fell in love with your words first but it was only a matter of time until I fell for you too.

rip my heart out

i don't think i've felt like this in a long time. i feel so hopeless. i will never believe in anything again.

sometimes i wonder if we're soulmates

Birthday Girl.

I don't feel any different. I'm pretty sure my insides are the same, if they're even still there. Sometimes it feels like they aren't. Can't believe I managed to make it another year, especially considering all the times I didn't think I was going to survive.

 I'll save you all some birthday cake and ice cream (if cookies and cream is all right with you).

I can't sleep, so what are you passionate about?

I know this is kind of a candid post for me, but I've been exhausted all day, and when it comes time for me to sleep, of course, I can't. I've been up for the past hour or so thinking about a question my sociology and communications professors have both asked over the course of the past week:

What are you passionate about?

Is it sad that I couldn't answer this right away? Or is it a good thing that I had to take a step back, (have a mini existential crisis) and think about what I really am passionate about? Jac and I also had this conversation last week, and even then I didn't know how to answer. I still don't really know, but this is what I came up with:

I'm passionate about: writing, music, blogging, studying, shopping, love, self-discovery, traveling, art movements, 80's movies, summer nights, the beach, lyrics, friendship, family, my future, work, reading, learning, and talking.

There's probably a lot more I could add to the list, but my question is this: What defines what things we can be passionate about? Is there some higher authority that tells us we're only allowed to be passionate for things like hobbies/skills/activities? Or am I allowed to be passionate about the beach and summer nights? And to what extent are we passionate about something? Is it like a pass/fail type of thing where you're either fully engrossed or not in it at all? Or are there varying degrees of passion? Can I be more passionate about self-discovery than my future? I guess those are questions left to decide for yourself.

In any case, what are you passionate about?