please, i just need to know that you're still hanging on with me.

gray.

there needs to be some form of confirmation that you're an actual, real, breathing human being in this world. that i can somehow, some way, find you (again). you may not even read this, but you need to know you're magic, and you're absolutely beautiful. 

To my Peter Pan

There was no way I couldn't write this, it was completely necessary and burdening me and prodding me until it was spewed so not eloquently onto paper in messy half-cursive and scribbles. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had let this one escape me.  I hope you read it.

*********************

Thinking about how your eyes probably dripped kerosene.

I love the person I think you are even though I've only had one conversation with you, the intensity in that moment will be with me forever, but you probably hardly remember. Except you remember me. You have to, you must. You can write me better than I can write myself. We have an unspoken bond that we will forever share.

And sometimes I wonder what you would be like late at night in an armchair across the room from me in some dimly lit apartment or hotel with a mug of coffee clutched in your hands. I can hear the words escaping your mouth in my mind only I don't really know if that's YOUR voice or maybe one I've  made up. All I know is that I would kill-- fucking kill-- to see you so vulnerable and broken and absolutely beautiful and exposed.

 I imagine the intensity of moments we could have, with deep honey caramel eyes, somehow dark and hard and melty all at the same time, breaking into piercing icy blue.

I'm not in love with you, and you don't really remember me. Me as a person, whoever that "me" was then. I couldn't believe the weight of your arms around me, your smell, the sweat and the sensation of me wanting to cry and throw up and smile so hard my face would crack into a million shards of broken memories of the Moment I never wanted to forget.

I am not in love with you, Peter Pan, but you do hold a special part of my heart somewhere I can't exactly define. But when I reminisce about that intensity that same spot swells inside so big and pervading it's absolutely impossible to ignore. And I know they think they get it-- get you-- but I feel a step ahead. It's a special sort of understanding that may be even better than actual happenings --because our happenings are more tangible in a strange way, reaching deep into a place inside me where I'm not sure even I can get to. More meaningful than a sweaty hug and picture in a crowded room.

What this is is never-ending, eternal, like Neverland itself, and you're something special, Peter Pan.

Always.

Xoxo, Jac, No Volume

I've been thinking about you a lot lately, I hope you're well and living life to its fullest.

Part of me thinks that I may have known you in a previous life, or we'll come across each other in this one only we won't really realize. Or maybe we will. 

Who knows, maybe we already have.

 

In any case you've been in my thoughts more often than not as of late, and I wanted you to know.

You're all always in my thoughts, I care about you all, about this small, insignificant corner of the Internet we have to communicate. 

We're all very busy continuing the journey of our lives, and I hope to hear the next chapter of everyone's. 

You are all very special, and I hope everyone is happy in these monotonous winter months. I've been checking here every so often to see if anyone has anything to say. I'm sure we all do, and I'm sure we'll all get a chance to share. 

With love. 

always, 

Ali. 

Hurricane head without the destructive mindset. Finally trudging through this storm called Misery into calmer seas. What a mess this turned out to be.  If there was ever a time when I needed you most, it would be now. 

Slowly giving up on everything I believe(d) in. I miss you guys.

the most terrifying feeling i have ever felt in my life was telling him "i love you" for the first time, fearing he would never say it back.

xoxo (for you. because it's necessary)

I could drag my pen across paper forever and never get you right.

(i'd still do it)

I can't tell you how important you are as an inspiration and as someone who gets it (me).

It's comforting to know someone has felt the way I feel, it's good to know someone sees my words.

Our friendship may be unconventional, but it's meaningful, you know?

I wish I knew you for real (but without you knowing me because I'm disappointing).

Sometimes I wonder if I do know you.

You make me miss summer and freedom and you remind me of them more than anything else.

You're sunshine and lemonade and the beach.

You're brilliant with pen and paper and there is nothing in the world that I would like more than for you to know that.

You and your words are everything, and I love you both.

-alicat

everything about me hurts today. my ego, my happiness, my legs, my feet, my back, my head, and my heart.

i still think about you, all of you, on cold winter nights and i know i'm never really alone when you guys are still existing.

i'm sad and don't know what to do anymore

xoxo, No Volume, Jac.

I think we know each other a lot better than we give ourselves credit for.
We're so the same and so different.
We're all the same people in different places and different times.
Nobody's ever had me penned quite as well as you.

Thank you for keeping me company when I'm lonely.
Thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one.
In our own little corner of the universe we're invincible. 

You give me something to think about and something to remember.
You have the words just right.
Better than I could ever get them, anyway.

Maybe I'm just the outsider looking in, but thank you for giving me something to see.


Love always,
Ali