For You.

a night in february

turnpike gates.
she was trying to be me,
isn’t it funny she writes me better than i could?
and takes you somewhere far off that makes you wonder
why did she write this?
and then you found out.  
it was me
behind the words reminding you of your favorite bands
miserable. useless.
you know the rest. 
on a constant quest 
for the treasure trove of your love.
missing you to death. 

adhd

i am always jumping from one distraction 
to the next 
an endless game of hop-scotch 
this to that.
will it ever end;
do you even want it to?
mass explosion of emotion
straight from your chest
another distraction.
don’t look back.

 it was all for you. all of it.

you always said it without saying it.

you knew.

don't leave me here to do this on my own

you're ingrained in me

on a molecular level

Stardust spirit

deep in my veins; rip my heart out.

i don't know how to be anything other than me.

but i don't remember how to be me without you.

crocodile tears

never ending, eternal

the whisper of you clings to me like smoke.

sweet tobacco burning cough

stay with me here

just an eternity longer.

xoxo

the tears sting writing this. reading our comments back and forth from over a decade ago and you’ve been so deeply intertwined with me ever since. i feel it in my fucking soul. i feel it so deeply tonight it hurts. I’m especially vulnerable right now and hope you’re somewhere still thinking about me. you’re magic and i (still) love you 

miss missing you

so lucky to be in this lifetime with all of you. missing you to death.

heartbreak is so strange. so easily forgotten, but when you're in its midst it lasts lifetimes.

i don't know whether it's better to feel burning anger or to feel pain. i guess either is enough to remind you you're still living and you'll get through this.

For You. (To My Peter Pan, 2019)

I'll keep it to myself. Maybe you'll see it someday since it was all for you anyway. It always was, but you knew that.

Six years later. I'll give you this for now. 

To My Peter Pan (2019)

Thinking about how your eyes drip kerosene. Caramel. Dark and light, hard and melty. All at once. 

I love the person I think you are. Sometimes I don't know whether to romanticize you or humanize you. I guess a little of both. It's been so long now, so much has changed. I bet you can still write me better than I can write myself. And we have that unspoken bond, forever shared. 

I still think about what you'd be like. Late at night, sitting across the room from me in some dimly lit hotel with a mug of coffee clutched in your hands. Chipped china mugs. I can only imagine the conversations we would have. I have a mini-lifetime's worth to catch you up on. Still, I'd give anything to have that moment with you. Vulnerable, broken, beautiful, exposed. A lifetime's worth. 

Oh, I'm not in love with you. But I can't fucking forget you, and I hope you remember me. Remember me fondly. I'm not the girl I once was. I've become hardened by the world and the passage of time. But I know you would still get it. You'll still get me. Rip my heart out. 

I am not in love with you, Peter Pan, but my love for you is exponential, reaching some deep part of my heart that I can't define. But when I reminisce about the intensity of moments and thoughts shared, that part of me swells up so big, so pervading that it's impossible to ignore. I know they think they get it --get you-- but I'm a step ahead. It's a special understanding, more tangible in a strange way. It reaches a place so deep in me that I'm not sure I can even get to it, but I know you're always with me. More meaningful than a couple sweaty hugs and pictures in crowded rooms (although those are good too). 

You know what this is. It's never-ending, eternal. It's Neverland. Still my peter Pan, forever your wendy. 

resolutions

gonna spend 2019 admiring all the beauty the world has to offer

wrigley

i don't have any words to describe it. there's something magical about seeing your favorite people in their hometown after dreaming about it for ten years. i was in a dream that night and never wanted to wake up.

thank you

sometimes I think it'd be better to feel numb.